There are two types of scams, emotional and financial. Both types of scammers pretend they are pregnant and say they want to place their child for adoption. Emotional scammers are looking for attention and someone to talk with. They do not ask for money or anything else. They just enjoy the attention. Financial scammers may try to hook the adoptive family in emotionally, but their end goal is financial gain.

Surprisingly, emotional scams are both more common, and can be more devastating for the adoptive family. Unfortunately, people who run emotional scams are usually very good at getting and keeping a family engaged. They are convincing and sound extremely sincere. Financial scammers are also convincing. They rarely will mention money at the beginning of the relationship. Money will only come up after they have developed a level of trust with you.

You are probably wondering how you can protect yourself. After all, completely legitimate potential birthparents are sincere and may need financial assistance. The first rule is, NEVER give money to any potential birthparent without talking to the agency or attorney you are working with first. Each state has different rules about financial support. Violating these rules could put the adoption in jeopardy. If a potential birthparent asks for money tell them they need to talk to the agency or attorney. The agency or attorney will work out a budget and then get back to you with the financial needs of the birthparent.

The second rule is: never keep secrets from the agency or attorney. It is a huge red flag if the birthparent asks you not to share something, but it is also a red flag that you are involved in an emotional or financial scam if you feel like you need to hide something from your agency or attorney. Legitimate potential birthparents will also contact the agency or attorney you are working with. If they refuse, stop talking to them.

Finally, if your agency or attorney tells you that a situation is scam, believe them. Remember they have emotional distance from the situation and can more easily spot a scam. They are also monitoring a database of scammers and websites that post information about scams. This sounds like easy advice to follow, but if you have gotten yourself ensnared with a con artist it can be very difficult to see it.

Financial scams are illegal. The IAC and most other agencies and adoption attorneys cooperate with law enforcement in their prosecution. Emotional scams, although cruel, are not illegal, which makes them particularly devastating. It is difficult to recover when there is no one held accountable for the pain you are feeling.

Remember, if you do talk or email with a scammer do not take that experience into your next contact with a potential birthparent. This is very important. If you are having a difficult time recovering take some time to get back on your feet. If you are working with the IAC, call your counselor and ask for help.

Women who call the IAC indicating that the only reason they want to make an adoption plan is because of financial problems are provided referrals to resources that can help them with housing, food, and other assistance. Of course, most situations are less clear-cut.

Women may express concern about their financial situation, but also indicate other reasons they want to make an adoption plan. Counselors at the IAC, and other agencies, explore all of the factors relating to their desire to place their baby for adoption. In particular, they ask the woman to imagine if all of their financial problems magically disappeared would they still make an adoption plan. If the answer is yes and the woman has other strong reasons for placement, the counselor will work with the woman on an adoption plan.

In situations like this, adoptive families need to be prepared to provide financial and emotional support to the birthparent(s) through the pregnancy and for a couple of months after the birth. Even more importantly, families need to be prepared for an ongoing relationship with a birthparent(s) who may face financial trouble throughout their life. This does not mean they will be asking the adoptive family for money. Although this does happen it is very rare. However, it can be hard to watch the birthparent(s) of your child struggle in this way. At a counseling-based agency, like the IAC, it is important for adoptive families to explore their feelings about a situation like this with your counselor before you commit to a match with birthparents facing financial hardship.

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In most states, a birthfather that is married to the birthmother has equal rights to the child. What this means is that he must agree to the adoption plan or there is no adoption. This is true even if he is not the biological father.

An unmarried birthfather may or may not have legal rights to his biological child. In some states, he has the same rights as a married birthfather. In other states, his rights depend on the actions he takes or does not take to claim paternity. Every state has different rules for how an unmarried birthfather declares paternity.

Most agencies, like the IAC, will contact the birthfather and try to get him to participate in the adoption planning even if he does not have any legal rights to the child. The reasons for this are two-fold. First, it is ethical to inform the birthfather of his rights. Secondly, birthfathers play an important role for adoptive children as they have half of the child’s medical, social, cultural and racial/ethnic history. This is information that birthmothers often do not have.

Finally, whether or not a birthfather will cooperate in an adoption, it is vitally important to legally terminate his rights. It is imperative to work with your agency and/or attorney to ensure termination is legally secure. If there is more than one possible birthfather, proceed with termination of parental rights for all of them.

2. Wash Weekly, Not Daily: Curly African textures tend to be dryer and less oily than European hair so it requires fewer washings. Washing one to two times per week is sufficient.

3. Your Hair Care Products Won’t Do
The hair care regime that helps you maintain your magnificent mane will wreak havoc on your child’s curly locks. There are several fantastic products on the market specifically formulated for black hair. You may need to experiment to see which products work best for your child. But here is a short list of products that have worked well with my daughters and their friends. They are also staples at many black salons.

• Pantene Pro-V Relaxed and Natural shampoo and conditioner
• Mane n Tail shampoo and conditioner
• Luster’s Pink Hair Lotion (For daily moisturizing. Yes, you must moisturize the hair daily)
• Organic Root Stimulator Shampoo Creamy, Replenishing Conditioner and Hair Lotion.
• Optimum Care Anti Breakage Therapy Leave in Strengthener (my favorite!!!) This miracle worker detangles like a dream making comb outs virtually effortless. I use it daily on my little ones.

4. Learn To Braid and Cornrow: Braiding and cornrowing are styling options that are ideal for our hair texture and it helps keep the shaft and ends protected from the cold temperatures and the damaging sun. If you find cornrowing and braiding too difficult to master, twisting the hair will accomplish the same thing. If you go to YouTube you will find several tutorials on how to cornrow, braid and twist as well as several styling options. It’s easy to get overwhelmed on YouTube. My advice to you is simply this: if it looks bizarre to you then it probably is. Look for cute, classy and easy styles that are tailored to your child’s hair length and complimentary to her personality.

5. Avoid Relaxers Like the Plague: Relaxers may sound like an easy out, but they do more harm than good. Relaxers weaken the hair, diminish elasticity and cause breakage. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not telling you the truth.

6. Avoid Demeaning Language: The most important advice I have to offer you has nothing to do with the actual care of your angel’s hair but the language you use when you refer to it. Many African American children grow up feeling insecure about their hair because it is so different from Europeans and can be more challenging to care for. For that reason, shy away from using terms that might feed into those insecurities. Hard to manage, stubborn, nappy, wild and unruly are just a few of the terms that should never be used. Your child will know that her hair tangles easily so you really do not need to reiterate that. Look for positive attributes about your child’s hair and lavish her with affirmations that will build her up and make her feel good about her God given hair.

Keep in mind that it’s ok to seek assistance from African Americans in your network. They would be honored to help just as I am and you will spare yourself a lot of worry and stress.

As most people know, a home study is the first step in an adoption for potential adoptive parents. Most, but not all, states require that a home study be completed by a social worker who has a Masters in Social Work (MSW). Most home studies are completed by social workers employed by an adoption agency. Adoption attorneys usually refer their clients to adoption agencies to complete their home study.

Social workers also play an important role in the matching process at the IAC. They facilitate the match meeting where discussion about everything from the hospital plan to the post adoption contact happen. Attorney adoptions may or may not involve a social worker in the matching process.

In both agency and attorney adoptive placements, once a baby is in an adoptive home a social worker does the post placement supervision that is required before finalization. Social workers also take the relinquishments from the birth parents, which permanently terminate their rights.

Perhaps the most important role that social workers play at the IAC is providing counseling to both birth and adoptive families. The IAC provides non-directive counseling for birthparents. This means that we do not push adoption. We help the potential birthparent to make the choice that is best for them. If they decide to make an adoption plan a social worker provides them with counseling throughout the process, and the IAC provides lifetime support to birthparents.

Adoption is often emotionally difficult for adoptive parents as well. At the IAC social workers provide both education and counseling for adoptive parents. This support is often helpful as families work through grief relating to infertility or sometime families need help with the anxiety that the adoption process can provoke.

As you can see, social workers play an important role in adoption, which is why the IAC has more than 20 social workers on staff. The IAC is committed to ensuring that that we provide all of the professional support that both birth and adoptive families need during the adoption process.

It is scenarios like this that point to the need for written agreements, which provide concrete expectations and boundaries. Contact agreements are legally binding in many states. But, even in states where these agreements are not technically binding, some courts enforce them anyway. As a result, families need to think carefully about what they agree to and be sure that it is something they can live with for the next 18+ years. An adoption cannot be overturned because of either party’s failure to comply. However, if mediation becomes necessary, families have the right to say whether compliance with any of the conditions in the agreement is in the best interest of their child.

The written agreement should specify the type and frequency of contact in the baby’s first year and in later years. Usually the birthmother wants more frequent contact during the first year when she is grieving. It’s a good idea to specify the minimum amount of contact the parties will have over the years. For example, if the agreement includes face-to-face contact, discuss the number of visits, along with the duration and location of each visit. It’s a good idea to also include how special occasions will be handled. Does the birthmother want to visit at the child’s birthday or Christmas and bring gifts? Is the adoptive family OK with that?

If the adoptive parents and birthparents develop a good relationship prior to the adoption and trust each other, they can work out minor issues over the years without the necessity of a court getting involved. Good communication will be more important in the long run than any written agreements.

First, let me clarify that I am referring to newborn adoptions. Unfortunately, there are many older children in the foster care system with few families willing or able to parent them. The Independent Adoption Center (IAC) only places infants for adoptions when voluntarily relinquished by their birthparents. As part of an open adoption process, birthparents chose the adoptive parents who will parent their child, and have contact with the family and child after placement.

Each year about 1,500 pregnant women call IAC who are considering adoption. The IAC provides non-directive counseling. We do not push adoption. About 225 or fifteen percent of these women will make an adoption plan. Most of the other women decide to parent. On the other side of the equation, about 6,000 potential adoptive parents contact the IAC each year, but only about four percent or 240 will decide that adoption through the IAC is the right choice for their family. As you can see the numbers of adoptive parents is only slightly larger than the number of placements each year.

Some of the potential adoptive parents that we talk to each year may decide to use another agency, do an international adoption or adopt from the foster care system. Others may become discouraged about adoption altogether or decide that adoption is not a good choice for their family. In any case, despite the huge interest in adoption it is clear that only a small percentage of families actually follow through on plans to adopt.

IAC welcomes any pregnant woman who is considering adoption or potential adoptive parent to email or call us. Although we understand that you may never place or adopt a child, we are more than happy to talk with you and help you make the best choice for your family.

In a recent interview Guylaine Hubbard-Brosmer, MSW (the IAC’s Co-Branch Director in LA) and another adoption professional (Vicky) discuss: “How to Prepare an Adoptive Parent Profile for Domestic Adoption”. The interview sheds light on some tips and tricks adoption agencies use to guide their families on the road to success in domestic open adoption by helping them put together an effective adoptive parent profile. The interview was conducted by Dawn Davenport who hosts a radio talk show sponsored by Creating a Family, a nonprofit organization that provides education and resources for infertility and adoption. You can listen to the interview here.

Topics that are touched upon in the interview include the types of profiles an adoptive family can create, what expecting mothers considering adoption are looking for in an adoptive family, how to make your profile stand out, things to do and things to avoid when creating your profile and much more.

Among the many interesting points Guylaine and Vicky make, the best piece of knowledge that adopting families can take away from this interview is that the most important thing you can do when creating your adoptive parent profile is to BE GENUINE and BE YOU! You will hear it over and over again, that no expecting woman considering adoption is alike and she will have her own reasons for choosing a family to raise her child. So, try to relax, be yourself & have fun creating and updating your profile.

Please share this information! To birthparents: “What made you choose the family you chose? How did you find them?” To adoptive families, “Why did your child’s birthmother say she chose you?”

This study is significant because it shows that children raised with lesbian parents are not at any higher risk for behavior and other problems than children who grow up with heterosexual parents are. In fact, the researchers state, “According to their mothers’ reports, the 17-year-old daughters and sons of lesbian mothers were rated significantly higher in social, school/academic and total competence and significantly lower in social problems, rule-breaking, aggressive, and externalizing problem behavior than their age-matched counterparts.”

The major limitation of this study, other than the non-random sample, is that the data only comes from parental reports. It would be better if the researchers also had reports from the adolescents themselves and teachers. Nevertheless, the parent report questionnaire used in the study is extremely valid and reliable. Furthermore, the research used a matched group of adolescents raised in heterosexual homes. In other words, this research, which has been peer reviewed, is scientifically valid.

IAC has always supported Gay and Lesbian family adoption. The researchers speculate that the children have good outcomes due to highly involved parents who demonstrate good parenting skills. The IAC has always operated on the belief that good parenting is the key to good outcomes for children, and that any other criteria for adoptive parents is discriminatory, and not in the best interest of the child.

One disturbing finding in the study, however, is that children who experienced homophobic stigmatization due to their parent’s sexual orientation had more problem behaviors than those that were not. This, of course, speaks to the continued need to promote anti-bullying, including anti-homophobia, education in the schools. The researchers also speculated that some parents were able to better prepare their children about how to deflect homophobic remarks.

Overall, the findings of this study are significant showing that children raised in homes with lesbian parents have exceedingly positive outcomes.