Adopting parents frequently tell us that their extended family members are negative or anxious about the idea of an open adoption. How do you help them get on board?
It’s important to remember that your parents are from a different generation where closed adoption and secrecy were the norm. In the past birthmothers were typically viewed negatively for being pregnant out of wedlock and for “giving away” or “abandoning” their children.
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Many people worry that they will not make the right choice when deciding what agency to work with on their adoption. This is an understandable concern but if you follow a few guidelines, you will make the right choice.
First, to narrow down your options make sure the agency has a license from the Dept. of Social Services or the equivalent state agency in your state. Ask what states and counties they have a license to operate. Some agencies may only work in one or a few counties of the state(s) where they are licensed. The Independent Adoption Center (IAC) is a full-service agency with a license to operate in every county in California, Texas, Georgia, Indiana, and North Carolina. We also have limited licenses to operate in New York and Connecticut.
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A child’s understanding of adoption increases during the school age years. Assuming that parents introduced the subject of adoption and talked openly about it (in a simple manner) during the pre-school years, now they can focus on the circumstances of why the birthparents made an adoption plan. As in the pre-school years, they should use concrete examples.
This age group struggles to understand why they were placed for adoption, and there is a tendency to blame themselves. For example, “I was an ugly baby, “I cried too much” and so on.
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Pre-school age children do not yet have the capacity to understand adoption. However, there are several very important reasons for introducing the subject at this age:
After searching for more than a decade, I found my daughter’s birthmother. My daughter met her birthmother for the first time shortly after her twelfth birthday. Her birthmother is a kind, wonderful woman, who has allowed us to be part of her life in ways I never would have dreamed. She has provided my daughter/her birth daughter with the gift of knowing that she her adoption was truly done out of love.
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“For the Life of Me” is the most powerful movie I have ever seen about adoption. However, the drama of this film is not around adoption per se, but rather about secrets, the secrets of closed adoptions. What makes this film so tremendously powerful is that all of the protagonists are elderly adoptees. We watch as each of these men and women who are in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and even 90s struggle to find out who they are. To identify whom their birth parents are, to find out the reasons for their adoption, and to secure medical information, not only for themselves, but also for their children and grandchildren.
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After searching for eleven and a half years, I have finally found my daughter’s birthmother. Sobbing I call my husband to tell him the news. We agree to wait until after the piano recital to tell our daughter. Driving her to the recital, I struggle to listen and talk about the upcoming performance. It is hard to keep such momentous information from her even for a couple of hours.
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There is no better time than today to honor, support and respect birthmothers everywhere for the difficult, brave and selfless decisions they have made in choosing adoption. It’s because of the sacrifices they make everyday that others’ dreams are realized.
Birthmother’s Day is about taking the time to acknowledge the person who made your dream of becoming a family a reality. It is so important to take time out of our busy schedules to do something special and creative to express your gratitude.
So what are people doing to show birthmothers they care on this very special day? There are many birthmothers who don’t even know about Birthmother’s Day. So, a nice thing to do today would even be just calling them and wishing them well. Even the simplest of gestures goes a long way. How about making a collage, buying flowers, even sending a cute animated e-card and some pictures? What about a thoughtful letter or poem? Even if you can’t contact your child’s birthmom you can still honor her by telling your child the story of his/her adoption again, or for the first time, and answering any questions you can about their birthfamily.
I have been searching for eleven and a half years for my daughter’s birthmother. My daughter was growing up and not only did I not have any medical information for her I also could not answer her very poignant questions about her adoption.
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KCLU National Public Radio: Dr. Goldsmith interviews IAC LA’s Co-Branch Director and Open Adoption Counselor, Dr. Jennifer Bliss, PsyD, MSW, LCSW on open adoption.
Part 1: Fears & Myths of Openness
IAC counselor, Dr. Jennifer Bliss, talks in this radio interview about open
adoption. One of the radio hosts reveals he is adopted and was found by his
birthmother when he was 25 years old, and is now in touch with his extended
birth family including his birth nephews. Dr. Jennifer Bliss, addresses some
of the common myths and fears about open adoption. She also talks about some
of the differences between domestic and international adoption.
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